Monday, January 8, 2007

Is it cruel to torment the tormented?

If I lay here, if I just lay here...

Would you lie with me, and just forget the world?

- Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol

This song is like a knife to my heart. Don't get me wrong, it is a truely beautiful song, it just has memories attached to it. Even hearing the first few notes is enough to reduce me to tears. I spend a good half of my day at work crying, trying not to cry, or recovering from crying at the best of times lately.

Do I mention now that this is one of the highest played songs on the radio here? One of the most used songs in radio and tv commercials announcing the come back of "your favorite series here" from a cliffhanger?

It all began after sitting at work one day, I had an urge to call SM after hearing that song. It summed up everything I felt in its melancholy way, and he agreed. It became our unofficial song. Hearing it 20 times a day just made me smile, and think of him, now I still think of him, except in brings me to tears. It reminds me of the night we were lying there in bed, holding each other and he had fallen asleep, and I just watched him reflected in the moonlight. I traced his lips as he slept, and softly sang to him "....would you lie with me, and just forget the world".

That's what it was like. It was like we were the only two people in our own special little world and everyone and everything else just wasn't important. Now I am alone, facing the reality of the situation. He's not there for me to run to when life gets too hard. He's not there when I need someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be fine. I'm going to bed alone, and waking up alone. If I have a bad dream, there is no one I can roll into and snuggle up to and feel protected. I am alone, and I don't know how much longer I can feel like this before it starts to eat away at me more than it already has.

No comments: