Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I'm Nervous...

...because I am going to SM for the first time since New Years eve where my world crashed down around me. My heart races (in the bad way) just thinking about it. Yes, the normally never lost for words person behind Mokinku is for once struck dumb.

What exactly am I going to do if he rejects me right there and then? Everytime I try and talk to him, he speaks to me as though I am socially retarded, or perhaps a leper. It's like all he can bear to do is acknowledge my existance on this planet, let alone hold a conversation with me.

Yes, I know he is hurting and the male ego is a very fragile thing, but hello? Two way street people, I'm hurting too. I am sick to death of hearing "Poor SM, he must really be in pain. You were so good together, he must be taking this hard". Am I that cold and emotionless that I have just shrugged this of? Is the fact I am in tears half the day and get all watery at the mention of him name not a good enough sign?

*Plan of Attack*
  • Walk in, head held high, with impeciable makeup and hair, wearing his favorite outfit
  • Flash him a 100 watt smile
  • Ask him to join me for a coffee and cigarette

This is the point where I add the disclaimer that I know I will be acting like a bimbo, smoking is bad for my health, and this is in my ideal world.

  • Use a calm and rational tone to explain my feelings and use the time productively to discuss our problems and how we can solve them

This is the point I thank God for big sunnies being in style and slip them on because it will be taking all my self control not to cry, scream, beg him back, or push him up against a wall and... we'll leave the rest of that to your imagination.

I am a strong woman, I can do this. I am a mature adult, I can deal with this without tears, bribery, or falling apart (or so I keep telling myself)

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