Tuesday, January 16, 2007

It's been a while

In case anyone cares, the previous friday went slightly better than planned. Of course, then the EB had to come in and destroy everything so I don't feel like discussing it as yet.

* * * * *

I found out what I thought was nerves was actually food poisoning, and spent the better part of friday night and saturday becoming re-acquainted with my previous meals. Two days without eating wasn't as much of a challenge as I first thought, so I have kicked the diet into place with full force. I'll keep a record to see how I go, and see if I hit my target by my birthday.

Current stats as of 15/1/2007 -
Height - 5'7 -> I don't see that changing somehow
Weight - 54 kilos
Clothing - a 10 causes a muffin top, a 12 requires a belt or hitching.

Goal as of 7/4/2007 -
A size 8-10, and around the 48 kilo mark.

It's mainly toning I need, around the belly and legs more than actual fat loss. I've cut out chocolate (no great loss to me), fried snacks, salt and binge alcohol. No snacking between meals, and portions half the size I normally enjoy. That and the obvious gym work and exercise when work allows it. Pity I'm single, a good hard fuck is such a pleasant way to exercise. May I add here, no I am not looking for any "workout" partners of any description, I still have my eyes on the prize. I don't give up that easily, especially when I find something I want.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I'm Nervous...

...because I am going to SM for the first time since New Years eve where my world crashed down around me. My heart races (in the bad way) just thinking about it. Yes, the normally never lost for words person behind Mokinku is for once struck dumb.

What exactly am I going to do if he rejects me right there and then? Everytime I try and talk to him, he speaks to me as though I am socially retarded, or perhaps a leper. It's like all he can bear to do is acknowledge my existance on this planet, let alone hold a conversation with me.

Yes, I know he is hurting and the male ego is a very fragile thing, but hello? Two way street people, I'm hurting too. I am sick to death of hearing "Poor SM, he must really be in pain. You were so good together, he must be taking this hard". Am I that cold and emotionless that I have just shrugged this of? Is the fact I am in tears half the day and get all watery at the mention of him name not a good enough sign?

*Plan of Attack*
  • Walk in, head held high, with impeciable makeup and hair, wearing his favorite outfit
  • Flash him a 100 watt smile
  • Ask him to join me for a coffee and cigarette

This is the point where I add the disclaimer that I know I will be acting like a bimbo, smoking is bad for my health, and this is in my ideal world.

  • Use a calm and rational tone to explain my feelings and use the time productively to discuss our problems and how we can solve them

This is the point I thank God for big sunnies being in style and slip them on because it will be taking all my self control not to cry, scream, beg him back, or push him up against a wall and... we'll leave the rest of that to your imagination.

I am a strong woman, I can do this. I am a mature adult, I can deal with this without tears, bribery, or falling apart (or so I keep telling myself)

Monday, January 8, 2007

Is it cruel to torment the tormented?

If I lay here, if I just lay here...

Would you lie with me, and just forget the world?

- Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol

This song is like a knife to my heart. Don't get me wrong, it is a truely beautiful song, it just has memories attached to it. Even hearing the first few notes is enough to reduce me to tears. I spend a good half of my day at work crying, trying not to cry, or recovering from crying at the best of times lately.

Do I mention now that this is one of the highest played songs on the radio here? One of the most used songs in radio and tv commercials announcing the come back of "your favorite series here" from a cliffhanger?

It all began after sitting at work one day, I had an urge to call SM after hearing that song. It summed up everything I felt in its melancholy way, and he agreed. It became our unofficial song. Hearing it 20 times a day just made me smile, and think of him, now I still think of him, except in brings me to tears. It reminds me of the night we were lying there in bed, holding each other and he had fallen asleep, and I just watched him reflected in the moonlight. I traced his lips as he slept, and softly sang to him "....would you lie with me, and just forget the world".

That's what it was like. It was like we were the only two people in our own special little world and everyone and everything else just wasn't important. Now I am alone, facing the reality of the situation. He's not there for me to run to when life gets too hard. He's not there when I need someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be fine. I'm going to bed alone, and waking up alone. If I have a bad dream, there is no one I can roll into and snuggle up to and feel protected. I am alone, and I don't know how much longer I can feel like this before it starts to eat away at me more than it already has.

Sunday, January 7, 2007

Those who made me who I am

And now I see what I really am, a thief, a whore, and a liar.

- Farther Away, Evanescence

I am all and none of the above at the same time, it all depends on who you ask I guess. Or who tells you in some cases. My reputation in some circles is colourful to say the least.

The cast of my ongoing melodrama I call life, in no particular order -

  • Myself. Self explanatory. I'm telling the story, so I guess it makes me narrator and inspiration all in one. Things may or may not have happened differently, I just tell it how I see it.

  • Soul Mate - referred to here on in as SM. Whether or not they exist is yet to be proved/disproved. If they do, he is/was mine. The one who makes my heart skip a beat when I hear his voice, and made my heart stop as he held me. Our romance was short and passionate. Like a sparkler, it was bright, and beautiful yet over too soon. I may go into further detail of this, but as it is a fresh wound, this will come in time. He is the one I pine for, and the one I cry myself to sleep over. Even now I would stop a bullet for him without a second thought.

  • House Mate - referred to here on in as HM. My ex landlord and lover. The source of some of the madness, and some of the pain. A twisted situation with a twisted person. He is someone I wish I had never met, yet would not have had the experiences I have if I hadn't. He is the worst thing for me, yet the most addictive. I've given him up now, but like a stone thrown into the water, he still causes ripples.

  • The Ex Boyfriend - referred to here on in as EB. Yes, I had another lover. I am young, and I now realise most of my trouble amounted from my lovers. I loved them all differently, and at separate times. The ex... how does one sum him up? This boy is a entry all to himself. We dated for many months, and then she came alone. I won't even dignify her with a name. We fought, as many couples do, and decided to go on hiatus from the relationship. I met SM and found the instant connection I had never felt with the EB, and one thing developed into another. The EB was highly jealous, and caused a fair amount of trouble for myself and my new partner. He still causes trouble while I am trying to repair things with my SM. He refuses to let go, and taunts me through his actions and my pain.

  • The Male Friend - referred to here on in as MF. Another lover (oh how they do keep popping up) of long ago. One of my closest friends, and my closest male friend. Friend of all the above, and acquaintance of SM. Privy to my most private thoughts and fears, shoulder I have soaked in millions of tears, and person I know will love me regardless.

  • Random friends and well wishers - these will pop up randomly during the blog. Their stories will follow all in due time.

Please don't comment about the fact I have had many lovers, I have had comparably few to many I know, and besides, this is my story.

So what exactly is wrong?

I can just hear people know sighing 'So she's gone mad again', or maybe that's the paranoia talking. Either way, this isn't for you. I am having a selfish moment for myself. I need to get this out, as I have found (the hard way) that bottling things up does not work.

I don't quite know where to begin actually, so I will just start typing and see what I come out with. I apologise in advance for the ramblings and the disjointedness of it all. I will use fake names to protect those involved in the insanity, although those close to me will be able to spot them a mile away. Please don't give away true identifies if you do comment, as much as some people deserve to be named and shamed - this isn't my way of doing it.

On a side note, don't you hate the way iPods have the ability to play the worst song at the worst time. Normally for me its a depressing song right when I feel bad, right now I'm listening to Evanescene's My Immortal. The lyrics sum up things perfectly, but also the band makes my heart cry... but that is another story

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real,

There's just too much that time cannot erase...

You used to captivate me by your resonating life

Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind. Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away... All the sanity in me

And so the truth is revealed

Yes, I am Mokinku.

Hardly earth shattering news unless you play Threshold, and then if you do it's probably even less so. I had a wonderful run with Belaraiya, but playing a character that has as many personality flaws as my own became tiring. It was best for her to leave on a high, while I still enjoyed playing Thresh.

I discussed it at length over coffee at Austhresh with Rowgor and Korg, by length I mean it was a snap decision over coffee while waiting for my departure time for the airport home. Funny, as I remember it she was going to be a catfolk Ebon, or maybe an attempt at an application for a Rogue, I even wrote her story and application while flying home from Mel borne... when I got my approval for a new character, she completely changed into what she is now - a dyadic psion with a speech impediment, and an almost numbing shyness. It's almost as though she is Bela's polar opposite, which is quite fun. Dear Bel, she was fun with her ranting and raving, and most importantly her fly off the handle temper.

Playing a semi mute character can be a challenge, but a joy at the same time. It forces me to be more creative in my role play, and puts me in a totally different head space to the one I was in with Bela, which at this given moment is a blessing